JustAdvice

Dear Pro­ba­tion Officer,

I would like to know your opin­ion on bed­time for teenagers. I think 1:00 AM is rea­son­able dur­ing the sum­mer, but they pre­fer to stay up almost most of the night, watch­ing TV and play­ing video games. Con­se­quently, they sleep all day and are usu­ally on the “wrong side of the clock.” This causes prob­lems with meals and other func­tions of the fam­ily. I believe there should be lim­its and that the rules of life are there for the good of every­one. I’m sure the prob­lem is not unique to our family.

Dear Par­ent,

Your prob­lem is def­i­nitely not unique. If teenagers don’t have to work to help sup­port the fam­ily, they tend to assume that, when school is out, they are on vaca­tion. They can be very insen­si­tive to par­ents who are work­ing all year round, who need to sleep at night, and who want to main­tain a sem­blance of order with regard to meals.

It is frus­trat­ing to try to live with and accom­mo­date their noc­tur­nal habits, but I sug­gest you approach the issue with­out giv­ing the impres­sion of being rigid. Rules that have no appar­ent valid­ity are rules that oppress. Reg­u­la­tions need to be rea­son­able and the logic behind them should be made clear. If chil­dren are made to get up in the morn­ing, there needs to be a rea­son for it other than, “Just because.”

Teenagers who are old enough can, and prob­a­bly should, seek part-time sum­mer jobs, and chil­dren of all ages should def­i­nitely have respon­si­bil­i­ties around the house. There are many day­time activ­i­ties they can become involved in dur­ing the sum­mer that are more healthy than star­ing at screens all night long. There is always sum­mer school, sum­mer jobs around the neigh­bor­hood, orga­nized sports, and local classes in arts and enter­tain­ment, not to men­tion fam­ily gath­er­ings. The “rules” for sum­mer can eas­ily include par­tic­i­pa­tion in these sorts of activities.

I think your con­cerns go beyond the mere dis­rup­tion of the home. I sus­pect your real worry is that your teenagers will develop habits of idle­ness, which are dif­fi­cult to tol­er­ate and which will cause them prob­lems, as adults. As you know, a good work ethic and a will­ing­ness to con­tribute are not inher­ited, they are learned. Ado­les­cents estab­lish rou­tines that will be the basis of how they will behave as adults, and they will have a dif­fi­cult time un-doing any faulty pat­terns. Spend­ing twenty-four hours straight, sit­ting in front of a screen or lying in bed, is not a good pattern.

Chil­dren need to enjoy their sum­mer and should be allowed free time with some parental give and take in regard to their hours. “Play” is an impor­tant part of sum­mer, but should not be a teenager’s sole activ­ity, nor should it be a con­stant upset to the nor­mal rou­tine of a house­hold. As par­ents, you need to set and enforce the lim­its. Make sure they are fair, and don’t sac­ri­fice a healthy fam­ily life for behav­ior that has no pos­i­tive returns.