JustAdvice

Dear Pro­ba­tion Officer,

My step­son is becom­ing very dis­obe­di­ent to his mother and me, espe­cially me, and I don’t know what to do.  His father left them when he was still in dia­pers, so he never knew him, but he tells me I’m not really his dad and that I can’t tell him what to do.  I mar­ried his mother about a year ago.  He’s 14 now and we think he needs a firm hand before he gets into seri­ous trou­ble.  Can you give us any advice?

Dear Step­dad,

Yours is not an unusual prob­lem.  You mar­ried his mother after he became a teenager and it is obvi­ous he sees you as an inter­loper.  It takes time to adjust to being a step-anything, be it par­ent or child, and the issue is com­pli­cated by the fact that he is at an age when he is just becom­ing a man, him­self.  Unless she had other rela­tion­ships in the interim, I assume he had most of his mother’s atten­tion until you came along.

            It shouldn’t be sur­pris­ing that a young male often has dif­fi­culty with the new man who is shar­ing his mother’s life.  It is a lot to ask, to expect him to wel­come you with­out ques­tion and bow to your direc­tives with­out some resent­ment.  That is, unless you and he had already devel­oped a good rela­tion­ship.  Hav­ing a good rela­tion­ship is a key and it will fall to you, as the adult, to be the most objec­tive, wise and patient.  It rarely works for a step­par­ent to come into a fam­ily with guns-a-blazing.

You have, by mar­ry­ing his mother, become a guardian, of sorts, because the law sees you as a father fig­ure.  A step­par­ent has many of the rights and oblig­a­tions of a nat­ural par­ent in terms of man­ag­ing the home and assist­ing in bring­ing a child up to be a pro­duc­tive per­son.  Step­par­ents can dis­ci­pline, but I sug­gest you do only what is nec­es­sary. Instead of con­cen­trat­ing on wield­ing a firm hand, try to fos­ter a good rela­tion­ship and instill the right val­ues, par­tic­u­larly by your example.

            Chil­dren tend to obey not because they rec­og­nize power, but because they care for and respect their par­ents.  They can usu­ally tell when a par­ent is exert­ing power sim­ply to show mus­cle and be the dom­i­nant force, or when he or she sin­cerely cares about them and wants to pre­pare them to be suc­cess­ful and con­tent in life. 

           Don’t resort to merely order­ing him around, because that will only sep­a­rate you fur­ther and he will con­tinue to rebel.  You should, how­ever, give firm direc­tives about your expec­ta­tions, with sound rea­sons why. Those direc­tives need to backed-up with appro­pri­ate sanctions.  You and his mother must also always act as a team, so agree before either of you takes action.         

It might help to ask your­self a few ques­tions.  How do you feel about your step­son and how do you show it?  What is his place in the fam­ily since your arrival? Does he feel like an out­sider?  How do you treat his mother? How has his rela­tion­ship with his mother changed since your marriage? 

            If you can answer those ques­tions, you should be able to pin­point some of the prob­lems. If you can’t answer them, that, in itself, might be part of the prob­lem.  I sug­gest you ask your step­son for some input, if you think he would dis­cuss the sit­u­a­tion.  If he does share his feel­ings with you, lis­ten to them.  Don’t com­pro­mise your val­ues, but try to under­stand his view­point and make what­ever adjust­ments seem fit­ting. It will make deal­ing with each other much eas­ier for you both and will hope­fully result in bet­ter behav­ior from him.