JustAdvice

Dear Jus­tAd­vice,

Our 18-year-old daugh­ter lives at home and we give her a car and pay for her upkeep. She recently dis­ap­peared for sev­eral days with­out telling us she was leav­ing and we were fran­tic because we had no idea where she was or what had hap­pened to her. It turned out she went away with her boyfriend. We want her to at least let us know where she is, and we do not approve of her being sex­u­ally involved with this boy. She says she is an adult and that it is up to her, not us, how she lives her life. Are we liv­ing in the Dark Ages?

Dear Par­ent,

No, you are not liv­ing in the Dark Ages. You are liv­ing in an era of total con­fu­sion regard­ing roles and rules. No one seems to under­stand bound­aries any­more, and that is prob­lem­atic, espe­cially since legal eman­ci­pa­tion has been low­ered to an age when many young peo­ple are still depen­dent upon their par­ents. It goes with­out say­ing that many 18 year olds are also still fairly imma­ture and naive.

Your daugh­ter seems to want to be inde­pen­dent in her behav­ior but depen­dent on your for her upkeep. She wants it both ways, and you don’t have to go along with it. She may be an adult, but she has opted to live at home and con­tinue to be sup­ported by you. If she truly wants to be an “adult,” she can start by find­ing her own place and being self-sufficient, which would give her the free­dom to set her own rules.

It is not unrea­son­able to ask a child who is liv­ing in your home and accept­ing your sup­port to tell you where she will be, and when to expect her. All rela­tion­ships come with strings attached, in one way or another, and there is a dif­fer­ence between con­trol, and courtesy.

As far as her involve­ment with her boyfriend, you are not oblig­ated to approve. You can­not, how­ever, make all of her choices for her. You can make it clear to her how you feel about it and why it con­cerns you, but do so know­ing that she may not lis­ten, espe­cially if you repeat your­self too many times. She may sim­ply try to keep her activ­i­ties hid­den from you, and you won’t be able to do any­thing about that. Let her know that you will not, how­ever, lend finan­cial sup­port to a lifestyle that resem­bles a soap opera.

Remind her that you love her and that she is wel­come to live at home and receive your pro­tec­tion and pro­vi­sion, as long as she is respon­si­ble and shows com­mon cour­tesy and respect. You are pro­vid­ing for her out of parental love, and her accep­tance of your sup­port obliges her to the rules of the house­hold. Her age allows her to leave, any time she is not will­ing to do so.