I think I was in college when I realized that some of my inner conflicts — you know, those little arguments we carry on within ourselves — were the conflicts my parents had with each other.
The Bud half of me would do something to embarrass or annoy the Esther half, and vice-versa, leaving me feeling I was wrong, no matter which “side” I chose. My parents’ disagreements had somehow been fused into one personality trait that was now mine, too. I was able to carry on the discord, all by myself. By default it had become necessary for me to try to solve their issues.
Maybe this is just another way to “inherit” family traits. Talk about genetic warfare …
Dear Judy, I understand those inner conflicts that stay with one over a lifetime that somehow can’t be resolved, but life goes on…they are what they are… perhaps not?
When I was a kid I had a dear childhood friend who once we got into high school freshman year, I felt she really forgot all about me and our early childhood relationship. I was deeply hurt and devestated. It was as if all of a sudden I was disposable and replaced by her new friends who were more beneficial to her popularity than me. I blamed it on myself. What could I have done to cause this?
Later in life, I ran into this person again, made contact and we agreed to meet. It took her a long to finally show up to see me that day. I almost left because she hadn’t shown up. Was it me, yet again? I don’t know why she even agreed to come that day.
A friendship that was never a friendship? How do you view the inner conflicts that persist?
Dear Cathey,
You seem to be using this woman’s reaction to you, to measure your worth as a person. Nothing could be more inappropriate since what she is doing is not about you. It’s about her. If she became interested in other things in high school, you didn’t cause it. I know your “inner conflict” is telling you that you are the one who didn’t measure up, but why is she your yardstick?
By the time you ran into each other years later, you probably had very little in common. That doesn’t mean you were never friends. It means you became very different people as you grew up. That happens. People grow apart as they mature and change, but those changes don’t automatically make one person better than the other — it just means they are now different.
I would suggest you ask yourself one question, and be very honest. If none of this had ever occurred, is she someone you would seek out and truly want as a close friend? Is she someone you like, trust, believe in, and admire? You might be surprised at your answer.
I was just reading the correspondence between Cathey and Judy, and I think I understand what both are saying. I think Judy’s “inner conflicts” have to do with her having assumed, almost indirectly, some of the opposing characteristics of her parents (which is something that probably happens in most families), while Cathey seems to be talking about a direct, personal hurt that she suffered at the hands of a former friend.
Years ago, when I lived out of state, I was friendly with a woman whose child went to the same school as mine. It had been a long time since I’d seen her, so about a year ago, I decided to give her a call. She was very polite when she answered the phone, but then avoided me when we made arrangements to chat later that day. I tried twice to reestablish contact, and both times, she blew me off. I have no idea what caused her to reject my overtures, but I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I realize my situation is a bit different than Cathey’s because this woman and I were not close childhood friends. Nevertheless, a friend is a friend and rejection is rejection, so I think, in theory, the principle is the same.
At first, I was annoyed at my former friend, and then decided it wasn’t worth expending the energy that it took to be annoyed. My parents used to say that most of us could count on one hand the number of TRUE friends we have in a lifetime. Some people fare very well as associates or acquaintances, but very few become lifelong friends.
Over the years, I’ve outgrown friendships with some people, and other people have outgrown friendships with me. I don’t think I’ve ever hurt anyone in the process — at least, I hope I didn’t — but maybe I did. I guess it’s kind of like breaking up with a boyfriend, or vice versa. Almost always, as we look back, we realize we dodged a few bullets, but it almost never seems that way at the time.
I hope Cathey can move on, understanding that a childhood friendship means different things to different people, as those people mature. We can outgrow what we used to have, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just as my out-of-state friend has apparently outgrown our relationship, Cathey’s childhood friend may have outgrown theirs. Cathey’s friend may also have become a bit of a snob in the process, and if she did, I’m sure that adds insult to injury.
Nevertheless, although Cathey probably approaches her relationships very differently than her childhood friend approaches hers, there are probably relationships that Cathey has outgrown over the years as well. And I hope she has. To me, that’s a normal, healthy part of life.