Several years ago a man came to the probation office to see me. He was in a twelve-step recovery program for substance abuse, and said we had some unfinished business from when he was on my caseload, three years earlier.
He apologized for how badly he had behaved and admitted that, at the time, he would go to any extremes to use alcohol and drugs and couldn’t have cared less about how he treated people, especially me, his probation officer. He wanted to beg my pardon and make right the wrongs he had done. He added that I was only one of many people he had to face. He also made it clear that his success in coming to grips with his past did not lie with my willingness to receive his apology, although that would be nice. The important thing in his recovery was to make the effort.
The fact is, I didn’t remember how he had behaved toward me. Oh, certainly I accepted his apology and was thrilled to praise him for his current efforts, but he was only one of an entire caseload, many of whom had been rude, had consistently lied to me or been manipulative. Probation officers eventually come to grips with the fact that it isn’t our fault and we try not to take it personally.It is true, however, that being roughed-up verbally can sting a little when we are trying to make a positive difference in people’s lives. There is always the tendency to own some of the problem, simply because we are involved, and because we want to see real change. I ‘m also not sure there is such a thing as a victimless crime, because our behavior almost always affects others, either directly or indirectly. Even though I didn’t recall that man’s specific acts toward me, they were a part of my experiences and no doubt contributed to the basis on which I approached and dealt with other offenders.
It’s a sad fact that, by facing the the truth – that he had behaved badly — this man was in the minority . He had been immature and irresponsible. The effects of his choices were far-reaching, which was why his relationships were such a mess, and why he was putting so much effort into repairing them.
As my former probationer was finding out, taking responsibility for his actions was giving him power – the power to change things. He had finally accepted the fact that he was in control of his life and that he had the ability to make amends and to repair the damage. I don’t know what happened to him after that because I never saw him again, but I like to think his apology is a good indication that he may be doing well.
